I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
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I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Good morning, Twitter x
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come