Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
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To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Well well well…
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.