2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
A double negative is a big no-no.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*