A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”