Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
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[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
23. the denim jacket
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.