I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
You Might Also Like
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO