A face that lunched a thousand chips.
You Might Also Like
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.