Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Body by sandwich.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.