Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
*launders Kohls cash*
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
no their not
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance