[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
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when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives