If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
You Might Also Like
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?