the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
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i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Succinctly put.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Florida man
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player