I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
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My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”