Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”