I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.