*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
first you must answer his riddles
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Easy enough.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers