Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My whole life was a lie.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away