Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
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Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
you will never know the true number of layers
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.