[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.