Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
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I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
No Google it does not
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky