[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
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If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I identify as an antique shop.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I feel seen
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.