To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
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Cake safety first. Always.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I hate when that happens.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.