IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
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‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”