“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I have so many questions.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.