You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
at ease…shoulder.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180