If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
This was a bad idea all around