dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
This story is comedy gold 😂
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.