Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
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If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Day 2 of my diet
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering