My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)