The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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