My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
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My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Worth the read.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*