[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.