I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.