Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
cause of death:
autopsy.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?