BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
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I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?