Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
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when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My blood type is b hungry.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.