I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The news
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.