Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
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Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30