I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
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The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”