Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
☺️
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?