Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Lmao
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!