[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
You Might Also Like
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me sliding into hell like
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.