My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Seems a bit forward
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm