*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
You Might Also Like
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.