[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
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Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
When you let grandma cat sit
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.