ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Breakfast for Stoners:
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.