I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
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A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.