[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.