*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
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Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Hitlers gonna hitl
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.