If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
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Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea